Catching Up

I love going home to visit my family. However, I hate returning to school and having to catch up in all my studies. The one that's killing me right now... chemistry. I HATE CATCHING UP IN CHEMISTRY. Missing two days from the whole semester (like I did) is like missing a year of your entire life. I'm ready to scream. And pull my hair out. Like this chick.

My life is awesome right now. 

Dear Grandma

Hey there pretty lady. This past weekend was full of emotion, but it was the kind of full where you have had just enough, but not too much. Your services were beautiful; though I don't have to tell you that. You were there. You saw that chapel filled with people who love and miss you; whose lives were touched by your sweet spirit; and those people who will never be the same because they knew you.  I cried. A lot. But I'm proud of myself because I made it through the whole first verse of "Families Can Be Together Forever" without crying. But then when I looked at Paige and saw her eyes filled with tears, all hope was lost. My voice got caught in my throat and drowned in my tears as I stood on that stage in the chapel. Front and center, my tears spilled down my face as I tried to sing the last verse. Devin and Courtney were standing next to me and it was a great comfort to have my sisters with me, knowing they were crying too. 

On this last Saturday we had a birthday celebration for you. Although you were probably having the best birthday party ever up there, we sure missed your sweet spirit and contagious giggle at the dinner table. The enchiladas were delightful and the mayonnaise spice cake was soooo good! However, the empty chair at the head of the table was strikingly vacant; and even though the tune and lyrics of the brief song we were singing were happy and celebratory, my heart did not reflect the same. But Grandma, I was so filled with peace this whole weekend. Hearing your siblings and my aunts and uncles speak of you with such tender words made me determined to emulate your very meek and kind spirit throughout the rest of my life.

I love you Grandma. Happy late birthday.

Love, Tay

A Legacy

I have sat here staring at this screen for the past ten minutes, waiting for my brain to tell my fingers which keys to press and in what order so as to perfectly express my thoughts and feelings tonight. While that would be ideal, it is impossible. Impossible only because my thoughts and feelings run so deep within me, that when something is so embedded in your heart and soul, the meager words of our everyday language would make these feelings seem ordinary. 

It was 8:00 am this morning when I got a text from my mom asking if I was up. My heart skipped a few beats when she then asked if she could call.

"Hello?"

"Hey Tay, how are you?"

The tone in my mom's voice proved my assumption to be correct.

"I'm good mom, how are you?"

"Oh, I'm okay. I just thought I would call to tell you that... well, to tell you that grandma died last night."

To be honest, I can't remember much of what my mom said for the next sixty seconds. My heart was pounding, my soul felt heavy, and my tears flowed freely. A sob escaped my lips as I opened them to breathe in and I quickly covered my mouth with my hand. With my eyes closed so tight, I felt as if time had stopped and I was stuck in a moment that would forever hurt my heart.

"She died around 11:00 pm last night. Dad, Morgan, and Aunt Patsy were there with her for most of the evening. Dad and Morgan left, and then Aunt Patsy. Once they were gone, she slipped away."

My grandmother's sweet soul did not want to have family near to see her struggle as she passed. 

One of the only things I could think of as I heard this news was one of my last experiences with grandma. My mom and I went to visit and chat with her one night before we ran some errands. As we were about to leave, she said to her attendant, "Aren't they beautiful?" In that simple moment, I got to see my grandmother once again. Her sweetness and love were apparent in that moment even though her physical body was putting such limits on her.

As I saw my grandma for the last time, I had tears in my eyes as I gave her a hug and whispered in her ear, "I love you Grandma, so much..." I turned, expecting to have that be my last interaction with my grandma for a while, when I heard her softly clear her throat. As I leaned down to her mouth so as to hear her tiny, soft voice, she said, "I love you too, sweet Taylor."

I squeezed her hand, kissed her forehead, and wiped the single tear running down my cheek.

My grandma is an amazing woman. Her sweet and tender spirit will always live on through all of us that knew her. I miss her already.

I'm going to miss how she would get full so quickly while eating lunch and not finish the sandwich, but then move on to the brownie sitting on the napkin next to her... and she would eat the whole thing. Quite often asking for seconds.

I'm going to miss her laugh, and how she looks like she's going to cry when she truly laughs at something.

I'm going to miss how she would get after me for always taking too much candy from the jars on her kitchen counter.

I'm going to miss her backyard that was a fruit orchard filled with the best climbing trees.

I'm going to miss the forest green shag carpet throughout her house and the fold out bed in her front room.

I'm going to miss how she always kept a tissue on the under-side of her wrist, secured there by her watch band.

I'm going to miss her teasing me about whichever boy I was dating.

I'm going to miss the big toy box and the bookshelf.

I'm going to miss rolling down the windows and yelling, "We love you grandma!" at the top of our lungs as we drove away. 

And I'm going to miss teasing her about being a party animal and sneaking out at night to go clubbing with her girl friends.

But most of all, I will miss giving her hugs. Giving her a kiss on her cheek. Holding her hand, and sitting with her and telling her everything.

Since I first saw my sister Courtney get married and how lucky she was to have grandma there with her, that is something I have so looked forward to: having grandma there with me when I marry in the temple. And while she may not physically be able to be there with me on my wedding day, I know that she will still be with me and all of those in the temple that day.

My Grandma Dixie was an amazing woman. I write in my journal every night because of her example. I have the wonderful mother, aunts, and uncle that I do because of her. I was born into a family that lives and loves the gospel because of her faith and diligence in bringing her children to church and teaching them the importance of their Savior and His gospel. 

The hope that we can receive in times like these comes from our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ and their Plan of Salvation. It is this hope that strengthens my faith; and it is this hope that I rely on so that I may look forward to the day when I get to hug my grandma again, kiss her cheek again, hold her hand again, and tell her everything again.

I know that she is in a much better place. And I know that she will never stop loving me and encouraging me to become the woman that she knows I can be.

My Grandma Dixie left behind her a legacy; one of sweetness, charity, and a Chirst-like life. I will always love my Grandma, and I will always aspire to be the faithful, kind woman that she is.

I know that my Savior lives, and loves me. I know that when our loved ones die, it is not the end for them, but rather a beautiful beginning. 

I know that through faith and hope in my Savior, that this pain will go away and soon be replaced by happiness. 

I love you Grandma.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UbsU3b2srQA

Tribute to Fathers

All around the world, men become fathers every day. The moment they hold that new born child in their arms is one they will never forget. When he becomes a proud father of a bouncing baby boy, he swells with pride and boasts of his son. But when a man becomes the father of a beautiful baby girl, something quite different happens; the father melts with love and becomes softer, more understanding, and more loving. 

As his little girl grows up, he loves her, scolds her, teaches her, and provides a safe and comfortable home and life for her. When she accidentally presses a button that puts a stop to the recording of his favorite show, he doesn't react in anger when she meekly comes to him with her confession.  Instead he pulls her close, gives her a hug, and tells her "It's okay" and that he's glad she told him, because it was "a big girl thing to do." 

When she falls and scrapes her knee because she was roller blading much too fast down the drive way, he doesn't scold her for trying to skate too fast or not wearing knee pads. Instead he smiles, laughs, and makes the situation not so dramatic as he bandages the lightly scraped knee.

On her sixteenth birthday, the father realizes she is not really his "little" girl anymore. She is in the middle of her teens, and she is going to start dating. He longs for the days when her little blonde head and blue eyes would come to him for every problem. She was old enough now where she relied on her own intellect, and stubbornly thought she knew everything. She had grown into a beautiful young lady, and he had faith that she would only continue to progress.

Seasons come and go, and fall arrives. She goes off to college and the father realizes he no longer has much of a say as to what she does with her life. All he can do is let her know he loves her and just wants what is best for her. As good and poor choices come and go, he is pained with every poor choice and lightened by each good one. His heart and mind are filled with love for her and concern for her well being. He knows he cannot intervene too much; he has to let her make mistakes, because how else will she learn?

But in the moment when he realizes that his daughter needs him more than ever, he rushes to her side without a second thought. There, ready to give her a hug and never let go, but lovingly scold her and talk some sense into her at the same time. His heart is heavy as his shoulder gets wet drop by drop. With mixed emotions of sadness at her pain but happiness at her potential happiness, he silently listens. 

Then comes the beautiful summer day when he sees his daughter's tear filled eyes. Her smiling face is beaming with happiness as she hugs him and says, "I love you Dad." The ring on her finger is new, and the young man who placed it there is someone he can admire and respect. His love for her and gratitude to the young man are overflowing within him and only showing on the outside in the form a few tears rolling down his cheek. The realization that she is about to embark on the greatest journey of her life and that her priorities will soon be placed elsewhere, he becomes somber. While the thought of not being the one she goes to first for help anymore tugs at his heart, but he knows that she will be in good hands.

Every little girl deserves to have a father who is this loving and kind. I know that I am so grateful for the wonderful father that I have. And I am also so grateful for the Heavenly Father that I have.

From the time I was young I have known without a doubt that I have a father in heaven who loves me and watches after me. When I fall and scrape my knee, he is there to help lift me up again. He gave me agency to choose so that when I am stubborn and think I know what would be best for me in my life, I can learn for myself. And in those moments where I need him most, I feel his love and comfort. 

I am so grateful for the blessing of prayer and how much comfort it can bring. God is loving and merciful; and no matter what may be burdening or ailing your mind, he will help ease the burden. His joy is full when you turn to him and obey his word. Just as my dad who I am so blessed to have, my heavenly father just wants my happiness, and wants to see me return again. Our father will never leave us.

In every condition, -- in sickness, in health,
In poverty's vale, or abounding in wealth,
At home or abroad, on the land, or the sea, --
As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.

 "Fear not, I am with thee, oh, be not dismayed,
For I am thy God and will still give thee aid;
I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand,
Upheld by My righteous, omnipotent hand.

"When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o`erflow;
For I will be with thee thy troubles to bless
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

 "When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie,
My grace, all-sufficient, shall be thy supply.
The flames shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

Late Night Freeway Adventures with Abbie, Taylor, and Adam

I have to start out with some memories from my childhood with my siblings. For those of you that might not know, I have three older sisters, a younger brother, and a younger sister. My family has grown due to marriages and recent births of beautiful babies! We have (from oldest to youngest):

1. Devin Angulo and her husband Denson Angulo and their three kids Alex, Jaena, and Ian.
2. Courtney Brooksby and her husband Jay Brooksby and their darling daughter Riley.
3. Abbie Carson and her husband Adam Carson and their adorable boy Jace.
4. Then there's me! 
5. Adam Thetford 
6. Morgan Thetford

...and of course, my parents. So my family now consists of sixteen members, soon to be seventeen (73 DAYS)! As we all grew up in our amazingly busy and raucous household, I shared a room with one of my siblings until I was 17 years old. The one sibling I shared a room with for the majority of my time was Abbie. She and I always got along quite well! ...mainly because she was patient and kind enough to deal with my rambunctious personality and teasing. I love to recount the story my mom has always told me how she would see Abbie running through the house with me close behind, my hand raised behind my head ready to hit my sister as soon as I caught up. 

Yes; I was a darling child. 

Through the years Abbie and I have spent many nights laughing and talking until the wee hours of the morning. The theme of these nights was always something stupid we had done together, or laughing at something stupid I had said. My main point: Abbie and I always end up doing something absolutely ridiculous when we get together. This time, however, we were oh so lucky enough to have my little brother (whom I love very much) in the car with us to make it that much more entertaining.

We were driving down the freeway Wednesday night, making our way to the airport to pick up my mom.  With our usual routine of already running behind schedule, we were antsy to get to our destination. Yet it always seems that there is always construction on the freeway. Thus being said, there was construction on the freeway that night. Just the big orange barrels along the side of the road. As we are driving, Abbie asks, "Hey,  are we supposed to go there?" I looked over to my right and saw that the road did veer to the right and there were big orange barrels lined up and down the sides of it. "I don't know... Adam, what do you think?" Well, before Adam had much time to respond Abbie had already turned to the right and was heading down the barrel-lined road. We were all silent as we realized that we had made the wrong choice; there was the faint glow of the "ROAD ENDS" sign up ahead. Laughter burst as Abbie turned the car around to get back onto the right road.

Upon going back down the barrel-lined road, we realized we had to make a very sharp turn to get back onto the freeway. At this point, none of us can stop laughing. We get back on the freeway, life is good, and we are set back another five minutes. 

Not two minutes later, the freeway does the same thing; veers off to the right with a road lined in barrels. "Hey Abbie, I think you're supposed to go that way," said Adam. I cracked up, laughing so hard my stomach hurt and we proceeded to talk about what people must have thought when they saw us driving down that road. 

"Wow, look at that idiot," was our favorite. 

While this story may not have made you laugh, it made me laugh harder than I had in a long time. I love my family; they're all amazing people! And no matter how stupid the things are that I might say or do, they still love me.

All Hope is Gone

As I was walking to school this morning I took the short cut across the grassy area of my apartment complex. When I walked into the shadow of one of the buildings, something crunched under my feet. First thoughts: maybe a very small mammal or very large bug. But when I looked down to see what had crunched beneath my bright pink Levi shoes, I saw something that made my heart drop:  frozen grass. Really? Already?! There is already frost in all the places that the sun doesn't reach in the mornings. 

From here on out, there is no hope to ever be warm again until I go home to Washington. Welp, here we go folks!

Friends

This post is kind of a shout out to all of my wonderful girl-friends.  One such friend, Sarah, is someone I adore and have loved getting to talk to a lot lately! We have known each other since we were around 12 or 13, but didn't become really close friends until a couple years later. Since then we were practically inseparable. From spending every minute together at church, mutual, and stake dances, to EFY and sleepovers Sarah and I have been best friends. When she went away to school, I was in my senior year of high school and we didn't get to talk as often because we were both busy. From there, we got to hang out a little once I got to BYU in Provo, UT. And then she left to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. When she returned home  it took us around a month to get back in touch with each other, and since then it has been so much fun to finally get caught up in each other's lives and start rebuilding our friendship. We've always been friends, despite how long it had been since we talked last. But it's so fun to talk with her again!

Last night she called me and we talked about our days and how things were going, and we started talking about marriage. Our conversation naturally drifts to love lives considering we are girls, but since I'm getting married in 79 days we find ourselves often talking about marriage. Anyways, we started talking about how much fun it is to be in love with somebody who is your best friend. Who knows how to make you laugh even though you might be a little upset and want to be angry. How being with somebody who knows you better than most other people, and while they may frustrate you sometimes, you wouldn't want to be without them. And we basically went on to continue talking about mushy, romantic stuff. You know, girl talk. 

When I think about the wonderful friends that I have in my life, I am so blessed! My family, for one, is amazing. I love my siblings and parents and don't know what I would do without their love and support. Then I have wonderful friends such as Shelly, Katelyn, Tasha, and Rachel who have been with me since Kindergarten. These girls have never let me down. Tessa, who is the most darling girl and who I have so much fun with, is a blessing. She is always uplifting and has such a positive outlook. I love her! There are plenty of others who have blessed my life and you all know who you are. The words from one of my favorite hymns comes to mind:

What greater gift dost thou bestow,

What greater goodness can we know

Than Christ-like friends, whose gentle ways

Strengthen our faith, enrich our days.

Blustery

To be honest, today has been a difficult day for me. When thinking about the past fourteen hours, blustery was one of the only words I could come up with to describe the day. ...well, at least it was one of the only appropriate ones. It isn't like I have had the worst day of my life. And it's not like I experienced a life changing emotional tragedy. Today has just been... how should I say this? Here, I have an idea.

I have never been one to let things in life bother me too much. My personality has always been one that goes with the flow, and if something upsetting happens I let myself be upset about for a little and then move on. I've always been able to just let things roll off my shoulders and be happy once again. But today... I don't know what was going on, but everything just seemed awful. When I was a kid my family had the video "Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day."  I loved this video (among many, many others) and would watch it quite often. It was about a rainy, windy day that sent the poor bear on a horrible adventure. A big storm comes and washes him away.  But, luckily enough he has friends that cared about him enough to go out and find him.

Okay... maybe that was really cheesy. No, it was really cheesy but I don't care all too much. I have been a grump lately and I know it and readily admit it. I don't know why! Maybe the rose colored glasses are gone and have been replaced with poop-brown ones that I just can't seem to take off. Hopefully it's only a temporary replacement. The person that gets it the worst though is Derek. He has to deal with all my grumpiness, and yet he still loves me at the end of the day.

So while today was blustery in just about every aspect I'm sure a huge storm would have broken out had it not been for Derek and his patience with me. How does he do it? I'll never know.